IS ADOPTION AN ACT OF VIOLENCE?

A blogger friend of mine wrote a post that made me stop and think. Really think. I don’t like to discuss my feelings on adoption. Many times for me I can’t define those feelings and thoughts. I usually let my friend, Joy, do it. She is so eloquent with her words. I am usually shaking my head thinking,”yea that is it right there in a nutshell.” I consider adoption as it is currently practiced a crime against children and their families. I do, however, see the need for it in our society. We do have children who are abused and need homes.

What is the definition of violence?

Noun

  • S: (n) violence, force (an act of aggression (as one against a person who resists)) “he may accomplish by craft in the long run what he cannot do by force and violence in the short one”
  • S: (n) ferocity, fierceness, furiousness, fury, vehemence, violence, wildness (the property of being wild or turbulent) “the storm’s violence”
  • S: (n) violence (a turbulent state resulting in injuries and destruction etc.)

There is no definition of emotional violence. Adoptive parents don’t see adoption as violent. To me emotional violence is the cruelty and manipulation words used against a person to get the object desired. The object of course in adoption is the child. Adoptees and their natural parents are often the target of such emotional violence.

With natural parents, its the name calling, manipulation of emotions and thought processes, and isolation from family and friends. These are just the things off the top of my head. I know with my own natural mother that she was tied to her bed, denied proper nutrition, verbal cruelty, denial of adequate pain relief. It is the denial of their parenthood because the natural parents have relinquished their rights as a citizen. They don’t stop being parents because of this. The biological connection will always be there.

I have read the Birthmother, Good Mother article out by the National Council for Adoption. They want mothers called this. Its a tactic to get women to relinquish their rights. In their Adoption Factbook III, they want the adoptive parents to call these mothers and fathers of loss biological strangers. They want to make these parents insignificant and nonessential. That is emotional cruelty at its finest.

With adoptees, we face emotional cruelty and violence. Everyone does some form of genealogy at some point or another. They are either told stories or they have read them through out family bibles and other family paperwork. Adoptees are told to suck it up. They are told to be grateful that they were not aborted or dumped. They are told to accept and move on. Society still treats adoptees who search as insane, mentally ill and angry. If an adoptee like myself speaks out against current adoption practices, we are summarily dismissed with all of these titles. Its violence at its finest on a very deep emotional level. We constantly have to fight the walking of the edge. Some are strong and can ignore it. Some give in and commit suicide. Others choose to ignore the elephant in the room.

To answer the question, yes, I do believe that adoption is a form of abusive, emotional violence. How do we change it? Tell me your answers.

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4 Responses to “IS ADOPTION AN ACT OF VIOLENCE?”

  1. suz Says:

    Emotionally violent. Yes. To all affected.
    Physically violent? Often to mothers – yes. (Consider those that were overdosed, tied in restraints, physically carried off by their parents or agency personnel against their will).

    To children? I would say absolutely to infant adoption.

    But, hey, thats me and I am one of those nutty believers in Primal Wound and such.

  2. The Passionate Peach Says:

    How do we change it? We continue to write, speak, and act in our truth as adoptees ~ the victims and survivors of this violence. Not letting the “multitudes” silence us with shame any longer.

    I’m so thankful for others here on the internet who are forever linked together in this life-changing experience of being adopted.

    Hugs, Peach

  3. joy Says:

    glad to see you blogging Amy.

  4. Ungrateful Little Bastard Says:

    Yes, I agree. When I was in my really political twentysomething years, I was far more focused on the feminist aspect of adoption than my own feelings (safer that way). I saw adoption as a brutal act of emotional violence against women, and I still do. I see a lot of classism, racism, and sexism in surrender, and I see and feel violence and violated by being adopted. With what is known about the damage done to infants when separated from their mothers, that the adoption machine continues to chug away merrily promoting the very act that causes damage, this is violence.

    But as far as what do we do to change it, I don’t have a clue. Other than keep talking, just keep talking. I’d be really interesting in reading other answers..

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