LOVE AND LOSS

As I was driving home, I was thinking about how much work I have to do with this blog. I was thinking about my own lack of reunion. You know how you get close to acceptance. I am getting there. I know my friends don’t want me to be there. Once you accept, many think that a person might want to quit. No I won’t ever quit. I will continue to fight like the dickens to make changes in adoption. Its not for me that I really do this any longer. It heals me a little more and more each day to help someone else. I had gotten a call from a mother friend out in Oregon. Another father has to fight harder and appeal. This man has the spirit of God in him. I think he will win. I have been praying for him today. I will continue to pray for him. I think he would be a fabulous father. Thinking about him brought me back to my story.

I have written about an illicit love affair. I think I will write about it some more here. Afterall it is my blog and my story. Every single one of us girls (me and my sisters) have one of these. There is only one of us that actually married that fella. Sadly mine still haunts me. I think when he drives through my area, I feel him. His soul or spirit touches mine. I then dream about him. Always tantalizing me and drawing me into his web. Sometimes I wonder if he has found this blog. I wouldn’t delete anything. I don’t care how mad he gets or how mad his ex-whatevers get either. This is my space.

I remember seeing him in high school. I laid eyes on him. It was over and done with. I was totally twitterpated as my husband likes to say. I remember after third period. I would race out to where he went to his truck. He had an old 78 Ford with a roll bar on it. I don’t remember if he had glass packs under it or not. I loved that old Ford. In fact, I own one now. It is a 4 wheeled drive emerald green machine. He would die laughing if he ever saw me in it too. Yep I know how to drive down an old muddy road. I am real good at it too. Betcha he never thought about that with me. At the time we knew and loved each other, I was a city girl. Now I can’t get enough of country living. I don’t have to deal with sirens. If I hear a siren, there is a dang grass fire. I followed this man all over school. He was a five foot eight inch power dynamo. He was all muscle. Watching him was like watching a prowling black panther. I was utterly fascinated. On graduation night, I went to find him but he was already gone. I spent that night thinking about him and how I was going to find him. We were going to be moving to San Marcos within a month. I had to speak with him something. My sister Stacy took over. She picked up the phone and called him. We met at Sunrise Mall. I remember falling asleep in his arms feeling utterly safe and loved. His kiss was like velvet sweetness. I felt like I was made for him. We fit each other. He would come up to San Marcos on weekends. I asked my mother recently why she trusted him so much. She tells me,” I thought he was a gentleman.” Gentleman, my ass. I knew if I let him do anything to me, that was it. I would have been pregnant. Sadly later he went into the Marine Corps. When he said goodbye, he was cruel and harsh. He broke me that day. I crumpled onto our sidewalk like broken glass. All of this out of a mere eighteen year old girl.

We dated and lived together years later. It was just as passionate and turbulent as the first time. He tried on numerous occasions to get me pregnant. I think about that too. What would have happened if I got pregnant? I don’t think he would really understand this fully. I would have left him sooner. I was not about to subject any child to that kind of turbulence, fighting and abuse. I broke up with him a month before we were supposed to get married. His mother accused me of being afraid of marriage because of my parents marriage. It played a part of it. I didn’t want to have to worry about him killing me one day. I didn’t want to have to worry about fighting him over his drug use. I didn’t want him running off my family and friends. I think maybe just maybe adoption played a roll in this too. Ya know that abandonment thing? Sad thing is twenty some odd years later, he still takes my breath away. I still look for him on reunion.com and classmates.com. About five years ago, we began talking as old friends. I really didn’t want to be old lovers again. I had this horrible nightmare that he wanted to commit suicide. So I found him. My sister Stacy took it upon herself to call him. After that he called me when Don and his best bud were at the house. The next day I called him back and called him on his bullshit. About a year after we reunited as friends, he dropped me again. Interestingly enough, his exwife has been on the hunt for me again. I have friends at a former job that tell me of messages that she has left. I wonder if she has found this blog too. Hopefully not. I really don’t need her calling me non stop like she did the last time. Really I am in Texas and I hated Georgia. I have no intention of ever going back to Georgia. So he is really her problem not mine.

With this story in mind, I think of my natural mother. If she had this kind of passionate love affair with my natural father, I do understand why she was so hurt and why she probably took revenge. Recently one of my fav moms wrote about synochronicity in adoption. My biggest fear is that my first love’s ex wife is really my sister. I mean she is from Indiana. She is four years older than me. She is a CPA so she is a math whiz like me. Wouldn’t that be so weird? I bet both of them would absolutely freak. Hell I would too.

I guess I have loved and lost with ol Danny and that ol Ford. If my natural mother felt this, I can fully understand that she love and lost. It cost her more than money could ever repay. I get the feeling that she is still so consumed by fear, shame and loathing. I get the feeling that maybe she can’t forgive herself for loving so much. One day I hope she does. I hope that she can look up to the stars, gaze upon that gorgeous milky way, and hopefully she realizes that we are gazing at it together. I think of her and him. I wish both of them would take the step. I am here waiting. I think I will always be here waiting for both of them. One day this shadow will walk into the sunlight with both of you. Soon the shame of adoption will go finally away for ever.

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2 Responses to “LOVE AND LOSS”

  1. Suz Says:

    good god. if you only knew how much this post touched me. if only i could write more of my own story. maybe. maybe someday.

    and i understand your acceptance position. acceptance doesnt mean, to me, that you give up, it means you go on and if something happens in the future, great, if not, you still go on.

    this is my approach with my daughter. i have a life to live. children to raise. a job, dreams, hopes, aspirations and other people I can and do help. If she wants to be part of that at any time, she is welcome, but I cannot shut down due to lack of her.

    I have done all I can do. If I were a religous person, I would say “let go and let god” (or is that 12 stepping?). Whatever, I let it go. (Or, okay,I am trying. Most time I do..sometimes it comes back full force)

  2. A FOREVER CHILD Says:

    I write this for you and my mother as well as the many other mothers. I see my mother in you of all the mothers. I hope you know that you will be one of my first points of contact if she ever contacts me and needs support.

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