Archive for September, 2006

WHAT THE HECK

September 30, 2006

I look forward to watching my favorite detective/crime shows. I am not a big fan of Law and Order but I do like the CSI’s and many of its spin offs. One that I enjoyed thoroughly was the Friday show on CBS called “Numb3ers”. This was a two part episode. The first one was the season opener. The second one took the story from there. It started with a 30 something woman running away with a 15 or so teenage boy. They took off robbing and killing everybody in their path. Well the FBI finally catches the boy. At that point the woman kidnaps a female agent. The woman tells the agent her story. She was a 15 year old birth mother who had her child taken from her by her then boyfriend. He of course sold the child on the black market. The female agent tells the woman that she is not the mother and that she has no right to the child. That other people have given up their lives to raise that child. She seriously injures the agent and goes off to find her daughter. She has managed to kill the boyfriend and the others who profited from the sale of her daughter. She now knows the adoptive parents name and her daughters new name. The FBI is not that far behind. As she is getting to her daughter’s home, the FBI is coming up right behind. She calls the female agent and tells her that she wants to speak with her teenage boyfriend. The phone call is allowed and the FBI find her. She is driving towards the blockade with a grenade in her hand. The FBI obviously shoots her dead and the grenage goes off. The end.

Why is it that adoptees and birthparents are always portrayed as crazy psychotic people? Especially if we search? I want to know where these people get these kind of ideas that biological families are ungrateful and crazy. It is so not cool. I am not crazy nor am I ungrateful. Why should we continue to allow this to happen?

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DEAR INDIANA REPORTER:

September 27, 2006

P.S. Before I get into this letter to all the newspaper reporters of Indiana, I wanted everyone to know that all I have received from the Indiana leggies is this – We are out of the office Friday but we will get back to you as soon as we can. I got about ten of those. At least this time, everyone took my emails. Last time I wrote the leggies in Indiana, many of them would not take my emails since I am from Texas.

My name is Amy K. Burt. I am an Indiana adoptee living in Texas. I am writing to you to ask for your help. I want you to see the plight of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. What we all seek is honesty in our lives. Many of us are denied that basic right. I want to tell you my story. I also want you to check the facts out. I will provide many links to accurate information. One of the biggest liars in adoption is the National Council for Adoption. In their Adoption Factbook III, they wrote the wrong information about Indiana in it. Onto my story.

I was born on July 30, 1965 in Indianapolis, Indiana. I was placed for adoption in the Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers. I was named Michelin at birth. I also knew that I was the product of an extra-marital affair. In this day and age, no one would have looked twice at the affair. I knew that my birth mother was 22 when I was born and that she was from Indiana. She is the unwed person in this. I knew that my birth father was married. My adoptive parents thought that the name she gave me was very unusual. My mother told me that she thought it was a combination of names. I was renamed after a nurse that took care of me at the hospital. For most of my life this was all I knew. I got my non identifying information in 1997 which was what I already had. I wrote the Vital Statistics office in 2005 requesting the information be resent to me. It was considerably less this time around. I want it understood that my adoptive family wanted and supported my search. I had a good loving family that raised me to be strong, healthy and wise. They also taught me how to fight.

After I resigned from the United States Postal Service, I got back a great deal of money from my retirement accounts. I was able to buy this computer. I was finally able to afford to have the Coleman Agency search for me. It was $325 to have them search and make contact with my birth family. Katrina was my search specialist. I have no complaints with her. She is very good at what she does. I think the confidential intermediary law really stinks. I am a fourty one year old woman. Who decided that I needed someone to act on my behalf? I thought that I was all grown up. Indiana doesn’t see it that way. I can only imagine the bind this put Katrina in. She is one of the few CI’s that does care about the adoptee or birth parent searching. She makes sure that a person is prepared. I was well prepared but I don’t think anyone could have been prepared for what I faced. She refused and it broke my heart. I spent the first few days afterwards crying, crying and more crying. I could not understand. I made sure that I was so prepared for her. She called back once to make sure that I could not hunt her down. Thank Goodness that Katrina is smart on her feet. It was my understanding that Katrina told her no I could not find her through the agency but that I could very well hire a private investigator. All my birth mother wanted to know is if she could keep this (me) out of her life. This is the adoption story that you don’t hear about. Its the one percent that refuse. Most birth parents want to know their kids. That they were not promised any privacy. I have heard this from hundreds if not thousands of birth mothers across this country. Many if not most of these women wanted the chance to speak with her. It was a couple of weeks after this whole mess went down that I finally was able to get my non identifying information from the agency. All I can say about it was WOW! I found out that my birth father wanted to adopt me. He begged, pleaded and tried coercing her into giving me to him. He was married but he also lost three children to birth defects. He and his wife had only one child. His wife was told not to have any more children. He went back to his wife and told her of the affair and my result. They both pleaded with the agency and her to give me to them. For whatever reason she chose not to. I know that he called back about five months later asking again to adopt. This is all in my records.

As my search for her came to a close, I then asked if I could contact him. I was told no. Indiana law doesn’t allow it. I was told that Indiana was sued over the wrongfully named fathers. The birth mother owns the records. Not the adoptee, the adoptive parents, or the birth father. To read the law, it says birth parent, not birth mother. I tried using the pre-adoptive sibling to contact my birth father and his daughter, my sister. It was a no go again because the law pertains only to the birth mother. Even though my birth father said he wanted to adopt me, he called about it constantly, and he begged my birth mother, he is just the supposed father. Not even the putative father. What the difference is -beyond me. With the way the law is written, the adoptee, the birth father, his children, the birth mother’s children, and all relatives from both sides of the triad can’t make contact legally with each other. We could all be on the passive registry and we won’t be connected because she has refused contact. This is not actually written in any law that I have found. It is one of those obscure rules that is hidden. It smacks you in the head when you least expect it.

You are probably thinking that the law worked as it was supposed to. No it didn’t because I am denied access to a father, a sister, two brothers, numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins. They are denied access to me. Keep in mind my father wanted me. I believe he deserves to know that I turned out okay and I am very much alive. You can read her transcripts at http://www.amyadoptee.blogspot.com/ and click on the April link. It will take you right to it. You will also find a copy of this letter and a letter that I sent to all of your state’s legislators to include the Governor.

You have probably heard the abortion argument and the privacy argument. I will dispense with those arguments right off the bat. The abortion vs. adoption is an argument that is defunct. There are many things that affect those options for a woman today. One is birth control and the other is women are keeping their children. These factors have not been included in the research done on both of these issues. Two of the states with the longest history of open records – Kansas and Alaska both have the highest adoption rates and the lowest abortion rates. Kansas is one of the lowest in the country and it doesn’t have a ban on partial birth abortion. You would think they would be one of the highest because of this and the open records issue. One of the common themes in these open records states is that birth parents want to know that their children are safe and alive. They did give their children up for a “better life.” Oregon, Tennessee, and New Hampshire all have the same response in opening their records. 99% of birth parents want contact from their children. Only 1% of birth parents have filed a no-contact form with the states’ vital statistics offices. Here is a link to one of those states – http://www.oregon.gov/DHS/ph/chs/order/58update.shtml One other thing that I find also interesting is that one quarter of 1% want contact through a confidential intermediary. I find it interesting that it is only adoptees that have to go through social workers to make contact with their family. We have been given a degrading chattel status. Most families don’t want to deal with a social worker invaded their lives. It also gives the person being searched a way out instead of doing the right thing.

The argument for privacy is another that has been thrown out by Tennessee’s Supreme Court. I have heard from many a birth parent that privacy was never promised. If it was, where is the copy of it in the adoption records? It doesn’t exist that is why. The adoption records are sealed when the adoption is finalized not when the birth parent signs the relinquishment papers. In 1996 Tennesse legislature passed a law granting adoptees access to their original birth certificates subject to contact vetoes and significant exception clauses. The law was stopped by a court injuntion when a group of birth mothers, adoptive parents, and an adoption agency filed suit claiming the law violated their constitutional rights under both federal and state laws. The court case ended when the U. S. Supreme court declined to overrule the Appeals court ruling in favor of the defendents and open records. The courts rejected the plaintiffs claim that their right to privacy was infringed upon. The right to privacy means the right to be free from governmental intrusion. This court stated that ” a birth is a simultaneously an intimate occasion and a public event — the government has long kept records of when, where, and by whom the babies are born. Such records have many purposes, such as furthering the interest of children in knowing the circumstances of their birth.” The judges of the Sixth Circuit Court further found that “if there is a federal constitutional right of familial privacy, it does not extend as far as the plaintiffs would like.”
The right to privacy doesn’t extend to withholding birth information from the very person to whom it justly pertains to – the adoptee. The state government is infringing on my right to privacy by withholding this information. It is a basic human right to a person’s heritage. It is considered normal behavior for a non adopted individual to seek his own identity. Adoptees, on the other hand, are considered ungrateful or better, insane for wanting to know their identity. All I want is my original birth certificate. It records my birth information. It is my basic human right to have it. I do not have a right to a relationship with my birth parents but I should have the right to have the documents that pertain to my birth. Indiana denies this to all adoptees born before 1993. Are the younger adoptees more adept at dealing with their adoption than the older ones? I have two questions for you. Do your parents own your birth certificate? Would you accept being forced into a contract made about you for your best interest for the rest of your life? Remember you can’t break that contract ever. Your answers would a resounding and deafening NO, yet you expect me to do just that.

There are many books out there by birth parents and adoptees. One that is very popular amongst the adoption crowd is Anne Fessler’s book ” The Girls Who Went Away.” I would not be a bit surprised if the local newspaper or television station has already written about it. I have read every review about it. On September 18, 2006 it was reviewed by People Magazine. A few of the birthmothers from the book were also interviewed. In fact I am friends with some of those very same birth mothers. I have birth mother friends in Indiana as well. Lezli Adams, an open records advocate, is another one that you might want to interview. She is a hoosier. She will tell you that those records belong to the adoptee, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents.

Here are the websites that I found my information at:
http://www.state.in.us/legislative/ic/code/title31/ar19/ch19.html
http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/archive/CwlaPFAOTSARI.htm
http://www.bastards.org/documents/openrecords-issue.html
http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/greenmanarticle.htm
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_
The Evan Donaldson Institute
The many blogs listed on my blog for both adoptees , birth families, and adoptive families. Again my blog address is Http://www.amyadoptee.blogspot.com/

I hope this will help you make the public aware in Indiana the plight of the adoptee and his families, adoptive and birth. There are six million adoptees. Most people are touched by adoption via family, friend, coworker, etc. Its time we change the laws in this state to allow for openness and understanding. With you helping us, I think we could change the laws. WE need you to do that.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter. I have enclosed all my information for you to contact me. I have other contact information for you to round out your story.

Sincerely,
Amy K. Burt
aka Amyadoptee
aka Michelin

DEAR HONORABLE INDIANA STATESMAN/WOMAN:

September 19, 2006

I acknowledge that I am not a constituent in Indiana but its laws affect me here in Texas. I am hoping that, by writing to you, we could change those laws. I am asking that you release the sealed birth certificates of all Indiana adoptees.

To have our original birth certificate is a human rights issue. This right is afforded to all non-adopted people yet many adoptees and their birth parents are told that it is none of your business. All adoptees born prior to 1993 are not allowed access to their original birth certificates in the state of Indiana. Opening the adoption records is not about giving the information to everyone who asks for it but giving it to those who it pertains to — the adoptee, the birthparents, and the adoptive parents.

I am going to dispense with the two arguments against open records. Abortions increase and adoptions decrease. The National Council for Adoption (known as the NCFA) preaches this heavily. If you look at the statistics from Kansas and Alaska, it would tell the exact opposite is true. I find that most birth parents want to know that their children are safe. In countries such as England and Australia who have opened up their records, this is also true. These statistics can all be found on theses websites: www.bastards.org , www.americanadoptioncongress.org, and several others.

The other argument against open records is privacy. One that I have heard repeatedly is that birth parents were never promised privacy. They will tell you that consistently. Most of these parents will also tell you that they didn’t want privacy from their children. In both Oregon and Tennessee, these new open records laws were contested on this very issue. On February 11, 1997 the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals handed down a decision confirming that birth parents do not have the right to privacy from their children. (106 F. 3d.703 6th Cir 1997) The right to privacy is about the right to be free from governmental intrusion. Yet the state governments interfere with adoptees’ lives daily with the current law of sealing birth certificates. This was copied from the Bastard Nation website. “The courts rejected the plaintiffs claim stating ” A birth is simultaneously an intimate occasion and a public event — the government has long kept records of when, where, and by whom babies are born such as furthering the interest of children in knowing the circumstances of their birth. The right to privacy does not extend to withholding birth information from the very person it justly pertains –the adoptee. One of the things that is coming out about these open records is that only 1% of birth parents want no contact. 99% of birth parents want to hear from their children. Those statistics can be found at http://www.oregon.gov/DHS/ph/chs/order/58update.shtml. I was very amazed by this one in particular. Tennessee and New Hampshire have the same kind of results as Oregon.

My argument for open records is this one. I believe it is a basic human right to have a document that accurately records my birth. I do not believe it should be sealed. My questions to you is this: Do your parents own your birth certificate? Would you enter a contract made about you by others and in your best interest and could never break? Your answers would be a resounding NO. Yet with Indiana’s current laws, that is exactly what you expect me to do. Please understand this one. I have the right to my records documenting my birth but it does not give me a right to a relationship with my birth parents. I am tired of my rights being violated by Indiana’s archaic laws. Adoptees and birth parents do not need a confidential intermediary to conduct our own personal business. We are grown adults who are very capable of handling our own affairs. Indiana’s laws also protect only the birthmother. Any children of the birth father, the birth father, the birth mother’s children, and other relatives on both sides are not allowed to make contact with the adoptee under the law if the birth mother refuses contact. It is one of the hidden laws that no one knows about until you hit this obscure wall. We can all be on the passive registry but we can’t be put into contact with each other because the birth mother has refused. All I know is that the state was sued because of inaccurate information was given out but I haven’t found the court cases on this one. This is exactly what has happened in my case. In my situation, my birth father wanted me but my birth mother decided that would not work. Her reasoning is something that is very much beyond me but it was her choice back then. My birth father is now 79 years of age. I believe he deserves the right to at least see me before he dies. Neither one of us can do that because the law allows her to refuse contact thereby closing all contact with other family members.

So lets clarify these laws completely. Lets open all the original birth certificates in Indiana to adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. With your help, we can do this.

Sincerely,
Amy K. Burt
aka Amyadoptee
birth name Michellin

IN MEMORY OF 9/11/01

September 13, 2006

Daughter, in search for birth parents, finds 9-11 hero

Associated Press

ST. PAUL – Mariah Mills thought she knew who her birth father might be after finding out he had probably died, even without immediately learning his name.
Years earlier, after hearing that planes had crashed into the World Trade Center while she was a high school student here, she felt she had lost someone. Now, Mills was even more sure after talking briefly on the phone with her mother, who had seen Mills’ parents’ names on her daughter’s birth certificate, only saying they would talk about it later.
“I remember her saying, ‘I think my birth dad is dead,” her friend Margaret Nevins recalled in an article published in the Sunday’s edition of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. “She said, `I think it’s that guy who died in 9/11.’ I thought she was jumping to conclusions. She was pretty sure about it, though.”
And she was right.
Mills’ father, who had given Mills up for adoption when he and his girlfriend were in college, was Tom Burnett, a leader of a group that fought back on Flight 93 before it crashed in Pennsylvania on Sept. 11, 2001.
Her father, Walter Mills, shakes his head in disbelief as he recollects her words back on 9/11. “That – what’s the word? Premonition? Yes, premonition. That’s nothing science could ever explain.”
Mills learned about her birth father in 2004 – after she turned 19, the legal age in Minnesota for requesting a birth certificate with names of birth parents – and subsequent DNA tests confirmed that Burnett was her father.
Today, Mills has developed a relationship with Burnett’s widow, Deena, her three daughters, husband and stepson, and other members of Burnett’s family. She celebrated her birthday with her birth mother, who lives in St. Paul with her husband and two children and asked not to be named for this story.
But learning about her father’s death on that infamous day without never having had the chance to meet him was difficult, Mills and her family recalled in the Pioneer Press story.
“The information just hit us like an explosion,” said Mills’ mother, Cathy. “It was like that plane crashed into our house. The trauma, the shock, the sadness. Everything changed.”
Mills and her parents visited Jefferson High School in Bloomington during the spring of 2004 after Mariah found out about her birth parents. Mariah wanted to look up Tom Burnett in his senior yearbook. She found his photo and one of her birth mother, too.
“It was weird to finally look like somebody,” Mills said. “I have her eyes, but mostly I look like a Burnett.”
She also visited Tom Burnett’s grave at Fort Snelling National Cemetery and left flowers there. She spent most of the rest of spring break crying. She locked herself in her bedroom and scarcely ate or slept. Her parents encouraged her to take a leave from DePaul University in Chicago, but she refused.
“It was painful to watch,” Cathy Mills said. “She was just traumatized. She would never meet him. And the way he died – such a public death – yet she had no way of knowing about it at the time. A girl she knew at DePaul told her she went to his funeral. Of course, Mariah wasn’t there.”
Mills didn’t go out much after she returned to DePaul to finish her freshman year.
“I felt just numb,” she said. “I slept a lot, stared at the wall. I would wake up in the morning and look at myself and see him. His face, his nose and my eyes set like his. I’d waited so long to meet him, and I was two and half years too late. College is about figuring out what you want to do and who you are and, for me, finding out who my parents were was a last missing part of the puzzle.”
Deena Burnett was one of the few people who knew Tom had fathered a child given up for adoption. She and Tom met in Atlanta in July 1989 during an afternoon happy hour when she was a Delta Air Lines flight attendant and he was a regional sales manager.
About six weeks into their relationship, Tom told her his girlfriend in college had gotten pregnant, that the two had talked about getting married and had finally decided to give the baby up for adoption.
Deena Burnett was shocked and angry. “Here was my new boyfriend, the one I had been sure I would marry, and I just didn’t understand,” she said. “I came from southeast Arkansas, where if you had a child out of wedlock, you kept that child.”
But she could see that he felt regret and “was still struggling with the fact he had given this child up,” she said. Tom made it clear “he hoped to have a relationship with that child at some point, and I would need to be willing to accept that child into our family.”
After Mills was given up for adoption, Burnett’s family didn’t talk about the baby.
But during the last several years of his life, Burnett talked about the baby with his younger sister Mary Jurgens, telling her more than once, “My children and I will meet that child when the time is right.”
When it came time for Mariah to meet Burnett’s family, she barely slept the night before.
“I’ve never been so scared,” she said. “I wanted to look conservative but nice for my grandparents. Nothing tight or low-cut. I wanted them to be proud I was their relative.”
She brought along photographs of herself, family and friends and a bouquet to give them. “I wanted to be Miss Personality – funny, articulate and charismatic,” she said. “I wanted to be perfect for them.”
The Burnetts invited Mariah to the house of Martha Burnett – Tom Burnett’s older sister – for brunch on a spring day in 2004. Jurgens met her at the door, instantly feeling a deep connection to the tall, blond teen with a lovely smile, neatly attired in light blue capris, a black tank top and cardigan, and black flip-flops.
“When I opened the door, it was like looking at my little nieces – but grown up. I was so excited to meet her and yet there was this deep sorrow my brother couldn’t be there,” Jurgens said. “When I opened the door it was like, ‘I know you. You are part of us.'”
The family looked at Mariah’s photos and showed her their family pictures and mementos, contained in a big box. The brunch stretched to three hours.
“If only Tommy were still alive,” Jurgens said. “I have this vision of what it would have been like for her to meet him, and it just breaks my heart. He was so calm and collected, and it would have been so comfortable to him, meeting her. I pictured my brother flying to Chicago and picking her up for dinner, making it really special. They would have had this fabulous time.”
Mills transferred to the University of Minnesota and is entering her senior year. She will spend her first semester studying abroad. Her dream job, she said, would be writing about baseball and covering the Minnesota Twins.
“Before I was even born, my birth dad made a brave decision – to give me a life,” Mills said. “It was a selfless act, just like his actions on Flight 93. And, as awful as it was that he died, and I never got to know him, there is good that came out of this. We each sort of get part of Tom back. I get all of them and they get me, his daughter.”

BIRTHERS, ADOPTERS, AND BASTARDS

September 7, 2006

If you havent already been there, you really need to visit my buddy over at the The Daily Bastardette. Http://www.bastardette.blogspot.com/ Gotta love her spirit.

You see I will be ignored because my birthmother has refused contact. These anti adoption people just like to placate me. I am just the adopted child. As I read these arguments over birthmother, I have to laugh at the absurdity of all of it. Another friend of mine also makes a very valid point on her blog that is also a must see. Http://www.adoptalk.blogspot.com/ It is the adoption industry that has made the adoption terms nasty. Its not Concerned United Birthparent. Its not AAC, BN, or any other group. Its those that run the adoption industry. The agencies, the National Council for Adoption, the social workers and its volunteers are who we need to angry at. Its not adoptive families. Who you call Adopters. That right there I find highly offensive and assaultive. I had good adoptive parents. They support my search. I can’t take pock shots at them for wanting a child. I was lucky because my birther wanted to so desparately be rid of me. She wants her secrets to stay hidden very hidden. Even the anti adoption crew out there can’t begin to understand why she chose what she did. If this was about the adopters, don’t you think they would have the cost of adopting a child a little cheaper. Most adoptive parents that I have run into want their children to know their birthfamily. Most are like my parents. I see the adoption industry has being corrupt and money hungry. At both of these blogs, everyone is attacking everyone. Hey yo don’t you think we ought to use that heated energy and take aim at the adoption industry? We would really change laws with that kind of energy. If we used that kind of energy to educate the non adopted oriented people of America, we would definitely see changes. No just like a bunch of harpies we are turning on each other. Striving to get absolutely nowhere. I for one am tired of it. There are those that want to censor others. If you know what terms people have incorporated into their work, and you don’t like those terms don’t invite someone to your shindig and expect them to bow to you. It ain’t gonna happen. We all need to come up with a plan to change and reform adoption. One other person that has done that besides the two already mentioned and the several listed as links on the side, is Faux Claud. I don’t always like her stuff because it is very harsh. I am just the bastard caught in the middle. She has listed some very good proposals on changing adoption. Her addy is Http://www.musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/ . She also has another blog where she is trying to change the laws in New York.

As far as the presenters of the conference in question in the first two blogs, one of them very honestly I don’t like. When I was first looking for a place to call home in the adoption world. His chatroom was one that I visited. I didn’t like the way birthparents and adoptive parents were addressed and treated. The room was filled with foul language and severe anger. I told him that I was not happy with this and that I was leaving. I don’t go to his site and attack his people or his friends over at anti adoption. I avoid them. I do go and read their stuff just to keep myself informed but I don’t comment. Not my place to tread on their beliefs. Since I was just beginning my search actively, I don’t feel that anger would really help me in the beginning. Now that my search has hit a proverbial stalmate, I am now going through the steps of loss. I was in denial about her refusal. I just couldn’t believe it and it hurt when I actually thought about it. Now I am angry about it. I hate that the laws that protect the socalled “privacy” of a birthmother. What is hysterical and very ironic is the law protects the one percent instead of the 99 percent. Knowing what I know about my birthmother she would really appreciate it if you kept on fighting. She thinks its great that you all are not getting anywhere with this infighting. It takes the heat of revealing her secret child (now an adult) to her family. She gets to continue to punish my birthfather for wanting me at any costs. He will die before I ever get to know him. Go ahead keep on fighting amongst yourselves. Me I am going after the laws that allow this kind of betrayal against families.

THE MARCH TOWARDS OPEN RECORDS IN INDIANA

September 6, 2006

That is it. I have had it. I can’t just sit along the sidelines. I am going to start a letter writing compaign. How a state can keep adoptees as property is beyond me.

JUST THOUGHTS

September 3, 2006

I enjoy blog hopping. I do it whenever I get the chance. I also got an email from a birthfather who is trying to help me get closer to mine. He understands the feelings I have for my birthmother. I see a great deal of argument over the the birthmother thing. If I even comment on it, I am just placated because I am an adoptee. They feel sorry for me because my birthmother refused. I just laugh at this argument. My birthmother would rather the exiled mothers, CUB, Anti-adoption, and others would cease and desist. I mean it when I say that she would rather see me dead than see me at all. I believe in it because of what she has said in her transcripts. When I visit other blogs, I am respectful of others. My birthmother just doesn’t give a shit about me or my rights. Like I said, she honestly wishes that you guys would just shut up. I do understand wanting the adoption industry to apologize to you. It has treated birth parents horribly. In fact, it still does. It doesn’t recognize 99% of the birthmothers that want contact, that they don’t want privacy from their own children. It recognizes the 1% like my own birthmother. I see the rights of parents especially poor parents being violated regularly. I see the needs of the child being trampled for the sake of money. A good example of that is this particular link: Http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/8-29-2006-106943.asp. A child in foster care is locked in a closet so the foster parents could go out of town. When they get back, he has died. The foster father takes him to an abandoned two story chimney and burns his body. He scatters the remains in the Ohio river. Yet we are here arguing over which word is best for whom. Does it matter really? I wish that everyone would redirect their energies to changing the laws concerning adoption. A blogging friend of mine asked me if I was alright. She had this argument going on her blog. This argument was also hot on the CUB email list. I finally quit the list. I got tired of it. This is an argument that comes up every few months. I wish that the hostilities would be aimed at the adoption industry.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be a part of this argument. The only thing that I am concerned with is that the practices of the past don’t continue to recur. I also want adoption records and birth certificates be opened to all adult adoptees. I don’t want to be placated by anyone. I just want to be heard.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

September 1, 2006

Oooh that is an interesting thought. What have I learned? Ah so much and yet so little and not what I wanted. But I also gained so much. What I gained is easy. Great and wonderful friends. Knowing that all of my family wanted this to happen for me. My husband and I got into many a fight over this issue. When we did some searching for him is when he finally understood. On my birthday every call that came in on the cell phone he was so hoping it was her. Of course I knew better. Katrina would have called me immediately. Or someone from the agency would have.

I have learned that I have incredible strength. I can take the most basic of rejection. The most core rejection a person can take and survive. Yes what she has done hurts badly. I know that it isn’t a reflection on me. That is logic. Not the core of me. What saddens me is that I have an older sister and a father that want to know me. She has put a lockdown on it. I will not get to know his side of me. I don’t know his medical history. I don’t know if she even realizes this but I can’t get his information because of her. He will die not knowing his other child. That so sucks. I learned too that I don’t have to take crap off anybody. I have cleared out my life and am making some serious changes.

I found a photo of me and my Mom. I was looking at it. I knew it was taken shortly after my parents brought me home. I was thinking that I wish I knew more with the allergies that she has. What about my birthfather and what about his health? I guess I will never know. Its something that I have to live with. I guess I will call Katrina once a year until my birthmother dies and then I can have my records. I will be an old woman by then and the two people that created me will be dead. I will never know them. Yep it just sucks but who said anything in life was fair. In fact most things in life are unfair. I guess I will just try to make lemonade from this very sour lemon.

One thing that I am going to have to work at is getting away from adoption. I see my adoption and what I am missing daily. Whether it be someone mentioning Indiana, the Coleman name, Indianapolis. Someone could be talking about what illnesses, common traits, they have with their siblings. I wish I had that. I know that I need to get over it.