Archive for January, 2006

THE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

January 29, 2006

I have had most of the weekend to reflect on what has transpired for me this week. Thursday I cried all day. It was hard to keep from it. Friday I was ticked off. Today I am reflective. I was asked about why my blog is a little bit politics and a little bit diary. I guess I have been someone’s secret all my life. I was created in a secret. I was adopted as a secret. I won’t live my life as a secret. I want all members of the triad to stand up and be proud. We have nothing and I mean nothing to be ashamed of. Secrets are the one thing in my life that I absolutely hate.

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THANK YOU

January 28, 2006

I can’t say enough to my adoptee friends and my birth mother friends. You have really helped me put my emotions into perspective these last two days. Part of me still hurts and part of me is angry. I promise you guys that I will keep the door open. I was asked if I had gotten a therapist yet. One of the most important birth mothers in my life mentioned that I probably couldn’t find one that was aware of adoption issues. She is probably right. I have also got so many friends out there who support me. I think that I do have all my bases covered out there. Thank you birthmothers, adoptees, adoptive family members and non adopted related friends. Thank you for all your love, support, and friendship. You have given me strength to presevere.

CONNECTION MADE AND LOST

January 28, 2006

I finally got the call. My confidential intermediary called me at work on Thursday. My day went downhill from there. I got all the information that was possible in the short time that she and I talked. I thought the phone call was about the non identifying information which she and I were going to do. I don’t think either one of us expected to find my birth mother this quick.

I have two brothers who know nothing about me. Her husband was told about me at the beginning of their relationship. I have not been discussed since. I had sent a letter and pictures. She wanted none of it. She wanted no contact at all. She was about to end the phone call but Katrina kept it going somehow. She asked her about my medical information. She tried blowing Katrina off but Katrina gently persisted. I found out that my high cholesterol is inherited. She didn’t want to know about my husband or my daughters. She said that she wondered about me and if she would ever get the “call.” Then she asked if I got my education. After that she said that she wasn’t even going to tell her husband about my wanting contact. She was too afraid that it would destroy her family. At that point, Katrina seemed to remind her about the letter and the photos and that would just sit there and gather dust. She also reminded her that I sent them for her to see. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t even interested. I do understand that she had the shock of her life. One thing though that keeps coming to mind is that she and I have had fourty years for this to come to pass. If my mother(adoptive) can be grown up about it then for Christ’s sake so can she.

Needless to say that I was devastated. I spent that afternoon and evening in tears. She didn’t even ask about her grand children. I guess because I didn’t complete my education I am nothing. My military history meant nothing. This is just my negative mind thinking in this right now. That was yesterday. After speaking with family and friends, I have calmed down. Probably in a month or so she will make contact. That curiosity will get the best of her. If she has even told her husband, God willing he will be the voice of reason. If he is smart as those boys of his, he will ask her to tell them. Then they will also force the issue. I can hope and pray right. But right now I am just angry. I am not nothing. I have done many things that I, my friends, and family are exceedingly proud of. I will not have that taken from me. So today I will be pissed off.

As God as my witness, I really hate adoption. I am not necessarily pro abortion but adoption today just ticks me off royally. It ticks me off that people who don’t even know me control my life. It ticks me off that I am someone’s dirty little secret. I understand that this post will tick off my birthmother friends out on the internet. You guys are educated. I just wish that she was. I wish that she would put as much emphasis on me as she did her sons. Adoption should be about helping people. It should be about loving people. It should be about helping children.
Its not though. It is about money and image. Too bad.

WOW I HAVE BEEN HONORED

January 24, 2006

As always, I view my blog and see if I got any replies or comments. I was honored by two birthmoms that have visited my blog. I can’t say thank you enough. You have honored me with your presence. I never realized that there was that many blogs out there on adoption.

Today I got to do on the job training at the state hospital that I work at. I got to work with teenage girls today. I just loved it. Before I went on break though, I met a young girl who is returning to a life of hell. She was taken out of a gang related lifestyle. She got into trouble and the state hospital was her last stop. She mentioned that she knew that she wanted to get out of the lifestyle. She also knew that she would be “jumped” out. If you don’t know what that means, it means that she is going to be beaten up badly or worse killed because she wants out. She may even take the easy way out and just stay in. I asked how come the state can’t take her and put her in a foster home or a group home. Any thing is better than knowing what is facing her, right ? No the state does its best to give the children back to the parents. I was also told by my adoption search specialist, Katrina, that parents in some states get three chances at abusing their children before they are permanently taken away. I guess that means that the caregivers get three chances to kill their children. Someone explain this to me because I sure don’t understand it. I guess its like always. Women and children are disposable. I read today in the Washington Post that DHHS is severely understaffed. They just don’t have the funds to take care of all the children in foster care, group homes, and institutions. There are 500,000 children in the foster care system nationwide. These people can’t investigate every case of child abuse.

I read a blog today that said that she was pro choice because its a woman’s choice but she is also pro-life taking care of the children and their rights to thrive. I also read some emails today where there is a discussion on a new conference being done for the Concerned United Birthmothers. They mentioned one particular woman, Rickie Solinger. I am sure that she has written some good books about abortion. I agree with the birthmothers group in that her rigged agenda is not an adoption agenda. Her views ignore women who have had children whether kept or adopted out. That is a problem that I have had with the women’s movement as well. They have forgotten the mothers out there.

So my question to those Christian fundamentalists to include Pat Robertson and President Bush out there is this. If you are pro-life, why aren’t you adopting children in foster care? Why aren’t you pushing funding that supports women and children? Why don’t you support women in their choices to adopt or to raise their own children? Why aren’t you pushing for reform in adoption laws such as making records open to all sides of the triad? Why are you allowing adoptions to cost a huge fortune to waiting families? These adoptions offer financing and ways to bankrupt the adoptive families. To me that should be against the law. Why are you continuing to allow children and women to be abused? Why aren’t you holding birthfathers to be held accountable instead of creating laws that just enable them further? Why can’t you put those who abuse women and children sexually and physically in jail for life?

If you can’t answer these questions, then you need to step down from office. We really need to vote these morons out of office. They are just wasting our time and our funds. We all need to stand up and fight these people. Vote them out. Write your congressional representatives and tell them that what they are doing to the women and children of our country is just wrong. Write your senatorial representatives as well. Heck write the president and tell him as well. Its time that we fight for our own freedom.

January 23, 2006

I was watching the news over the last couple of days. One in particular amazed me. Al Sharpton is actually condemning pastors for not tolerating gays. I am very proud of you, my man. Another piece of information is in Maryland the marriage law was struck down as unconstitutional. Thank you. One disappointing bit of news, though, a woman’s last wish to leave her partner her pension was denied because she was gay. I worry about stuff like that because those kind of decisions can affect others. I got the opportunity to speak with a birthmother that wanted to leave her pension to her daughter after she died. Well I guess the information that I gave her might just be wrong.

I want gays to have the right to marry or have unions because I want them to help with the crisis in the foster care system. So many of them are so willing to do it but states are creating laws that would not allow them to foster or even adopt children.

I was reading in a message board on Court TV where one person actually promoted institutions as a way to house all the children abandoned. I made a reply back about how institutions affect children. How do I know? I have read tens of social histories and case histories of children who were in institutions. If normal adoptees (if we can be called that) suffer from mild forms of attachment disorders, I know that these children suffer from severe forms of it. I am also a mental health worker at a mental health hospital.

Even though I am for a woman’s right to choose, I am also concerned about a child’s right to thrive after birth. We as a country need to protect these children from harm. Before prospective parents go searching for a baby, I wish that they would go to the foster care system. Maybe that should be a requirement for those interested in adoption.

ADOPTION OPINIONATED AS ALWAYS

January 22, 2006

As a parent, I understand the importance of a loving, trusting, safe, supportive environment for a child to thrive. As a mental health worker, I see so many patients that didn’t have that growing up as a child. I see also the influence of drugs and their effects on children and adults. So many of these people didn’t get these basic needs met. I have read social histories and case studies of these patients. The common thread in all of these is that they suffer from some degree of attachment disorder. Even though I grew up in good home, even I suffer from it.

As I read the message boards at Courttv, I am horrified at what I read. Its always a woman’s fault. In several cases, its no matter what the circumstances. Some do give exceptions to a woman’s health. I wonder does that include a woman’s mental health? They also give exception to rape and incest. My question – are they willing to prosecute men for sexual offenses? Or do they let them walk? Are they willing to make men accountable for their actions in any way shape and form? They must not because they have laws that restrict birth father’s rights. I am talking about putative registries in most of the states. They created these to expediate adoptions. Even though I understand these laws help children, they also enable men to continue acting as they do. It takes a great deal of time to track down a man that won’t take responsibility for his actions. They need his signature to continue the adoption. Sometimes its just impossible and it takes months. It leaves children to flounder in the foster care system of our country.

Conservatives are pushing to take choices away from women. They are also pushing closed records legislation which makes it illegal to search. They are even giving out pats on the back to pharmacists who do not wish to sell contraception to women. Even insurance companies won’t let women get contraception at a reasonable cost. Yet they pay for viagra. I hope that everyone agrees that human sexuality is a body function. I also believe life begins at conception. Right now in the schools of Texas they are just teaching abstinence. Why can’t we teach sexual education and its effects on humanity? Why can’t we teach the consequences of having sex? Why can’t we teach young girls to have confidence in themselves and their ability to say no and that its okay to say no? Why does the conservative side want women to feel ashamed of their bodies? Why do we put such emphasis on a man’s/boy’s ability to have sex and that its okay to have it anyway that he can get it? Its even okay to force it on a girl/woman.

I was asked recently why I am married if I seem to bash men all the time. I am lucky in the sense that my husband stepped up to the plate and took care of his responsibility. My own father, my step father as the man who raised me, stepped up to the plate. My first adoptive father didn’t. He walked away. He left my mother to raise three girls on her own. I live in an area that promotes a man’s promiscuity. Some of the parents actually allow their sons to read playboy at the age of six and eight. Some of the men on this place have been known to beat their wives. They have even cheated and created new children. Leaving their wives and mistresses to raise their offspring. Again I am so thrilled that I have a good husband. I have several friends that step up to the plate daily. Again I feel blessed with knowing them but even they are disgusted by men in general.

I agree that condoms are available on every street corner. Teenagers can’t have access to them because they are minors. We don’t educate them because its too much information. I have also been very responsible when it comes to my sexual health. My mother was always upfront with me about it. It revolted me when I was first told about it but that was in the seventies.

Adoption agencies are all about big business which I have reported on in the past. I have read studies that report adoption being shoved down women’s throats. They are being humiliated even if they choose to raise their own child. Honestly before adoptive parents can go inside and outside this country, they should be forced to consider adopting a foster care child. These children need homes quickly before they are damaged by that system. Adoption laws need to be reformed badly.

What is even sadder is that our own sex is turning against us. Some say that if I abstained or used protection all my life, then others can do the same. True because I am an example of that. Others use the other extreme and use abortion as a form of birth control. All I am asking is to step outside the box. I know that there is no easy answer to this. We need to come up with one though all the same.

ADOPTION AGENCIES

January 20, 2006

I have mailed off all my information to the Coleman Agency in Indianapolis. I spoke with Catrina, an adoption search specialist, at the agency. She is a truly wonderful woman. She has helped many people find their families. I mentioned to her some of the stuff that I have found out about agencies over the internet. I also told her about the corruption in the adoption industry. She agreed with me. She was actually shocked at some of the stuff as well. She also mentioned that their adoption fees are on a sliding scale. Most adoptons start out at $5,000. I was totally stunned. The cost to begin my search was only $325. Folks if you are adopted through an agency, check with them first. See if they have a search specialist and then use it first. Her advice was the same as mine. Don’t get ripped off. A good agency is not about a profit.

We also discussed the underground child trafficking rings that are going on. I read a story where parents can’t handle a child that they adopted they dump it off anywhere. These parents don’t want a damaged child. Since when is a child an animal? We also discussed the new birth father law down in Florida. I found that absolutely shocking but she had a point. It is about the child not the birthfather’s rights. Most birthfathers want nothing to do with the complication of a child. She said that most of the women that come through her agency actually said a guy was cool if he offered to pay for an abortion. If he didn’t he was a jerk. Go figure!!! One of the things that I did mention is that with these new laws and with the attitudes of these young girls, it seems to enable the men in our society. Again she reminded me that it was about the child. It seems a great deal of men have all the rights and privileges but they don’t think that they have to fulfill their obligations.

Another thing that I have noticed in the message boards at Courttv is that when adoption or abortion is discussed, it is always the woman’s fault. She is to blame when she gets pregnant. Why is that? I would like an honest answer. It takes two to make a baby. Why can’t our society understand that? It is always a woman’s decision. She is the one to suffer the consequences of his and her actions.

After all the studies that I have read, I have found one thing common in all of them. Women are realizing that they can raise their own children. Did you know that parents get three chances at abusing their children before they are permanently removed? What about the children in those situations? I have read many a case study about children who are institutionalized. They suffer so much pain and heartache. Is it really worth it to the religious right to put these kids in institutions to prove a point? I wish more agencies were like mine. I feel truly blessed with the actions of my birth parents and my adoptive families. It gives me great comfort knowing that I wasn’t a commodity. In fact truly I was someone’s child at all times. I just fear for the children of our world and our society.

Lets vote out the people who are corrupted and are earning money of the backs of children and women. Write your congressmen and women. Write your senators. USE your power of voting. Change our world. If we work together, we can do this.

ADOPTION THOUGHTS JUST FOR TODAY

January 14, 2006

I have been thinking a great deal about what I have written the last few days. I am still avidly researching blog ideas and thoughts. I have recently started working for a mental health institution. I have also read researched materials that stated that many people in these types of institutions as well as penal institutions are mostly adoptees. I have also heard that many therapists don’t have a clue when it comes to the adoption triad. While I was completing my CPR qualifications, the librarian at the hospital came across a couple of doctors that are starting to research the complications of closed adoptions.

Someone give me an amen on this if they don’t understand the logic behind this philosopy. The National Council for Adoption says that open adoptions cause more abortions. The few studies that I have managed to discover state nothing of the sort. Both adoptions and abortions are decreasing slowly. How those numbers correlate is still beyond me. How people can make those conclusions still confounds me. This same organization which is sponsored by Pat Robertson is using this forum to condemn more women and children. These same people have programs put into place that practically force women to give up their babies. They use all sorts of condemnation to coerce her to give up the child. The laws in my state as well as many others allow minors as parents to give up their children without the consent of their parents. One contrasting point is that these same people have made sure that those minors have to have parental consent to have an abortion. To me, my daughters should come to me no matter what their choice is. I would like to be notified either way. That is just logical.

One thing that I find interesting that you don’t hear about with these groups. I heard a story about a husband beating up his wife every time she got pregnant thus killing the baby. I know that this occurs still frequently to my own dismay. He just committed murder of a child. Does he go to jail? NO!! Do these people protest what that man has done? NO!! It seems more and more that these people want women and children to be put in their place. That ideology just ticks me off further. Why can’t these people understand that every situation is different? I want every child in this world to loved, cared for, and wanted. I don’t want women and children to be abused to extremes any longer. When is humanity going to learn to respect each other and their belief system?

One quick note: In my researching of the Religious Cronies like Pat Robertson, I have to give credit where it is due. Even though I don’t like Jerry Falwell’s beliefs on gays and cartoon characters, he at least puts his money where his mouth is. His own adoption facilities provide on going education at a college campus for his unwed mothers. It may not be the educational background that I would like but its education just the same. He advertises at this adoption agency for open records. That totally shocked me. He is a positive wingnut but he at least has a sense of reason when it comes to children.

Please write your senate and your congressional leaders. Let them know that closed records hurt rather than heal. We in the adoption triad deserve honesty, truth, and openness. We are not someone’s dirty little secret. FREEDOM TO THE OPPRESSED!!!!!!

BAD BUSINESS CONTINUING

January 12, 2006

One more quick note to add. Pat Robertson is also highly connected to those groups previously mentioned. I wonder how much the National Council for Adoption donated to him. He probably helped create the lovely drilling curriculum for the family planning centers.

Lets vote these idiots out of office.

BAD BUSINESS PART TWO

January 11, 2006

What began as researching and verifying a couple of articles has become something macabre now. Everyone knows that Prolifers want family planning clinics to promote adoption instead of abortion. I have heard several reports of the Guttmacher Institute be miscontrued on both sides of the open/closed adoption issue. A few things before though that I found interesting at their web site which is www.guttmacher.org. They research and report statistics on Public Policy. By the way, the federal government does not keep any statistics on adoption in the United States. That is interesting considering its effects on the adoption triad. It is also interesting considering they are willing to ram it down pregnant women’s throats to promote their agenda.

One particular policy that is absolutely abhorrent. Minors’ rights as parents should catch someone’s attention. 28 states and the District of Columbia explicitly allow minors to consent to their child’s adoption. Only 10 states require the involvement of an adult in the adoption process. Everyone must understand that I want every child in the world to have a home that is loving, secure, and healthy even if it means adoption. My adoption gave me life and happiness. Unfortunately we all live in the real world. Every woman deserves the right to make up her own mind about her own body. She should be given all possible information on any and all procedures and options to include abortion and adoption.

In 1999, two republicans introduced legislation that was designed to combine the operative provisions of the gag rule and the Adolescent Family Life Act (enacted in 1981). The legislation listed the poosible options that family planning providers would be required to talk with clients facing an unplanned pregnancy, specifically excluding abortion. At the very same time, it authorized fund for a grant to a “National Adoption Organization” for the purpose of training federally supported health care providers in a “how to promote adoption.” Keep in mind that this information is supposed to be provided in a neutral, factual, and nondirective manner. It is not intended to be coercive in ANY manner. This legislation was titled the INFANT ADOPTION AWARENESS ACT that was signed into law in 2000. The Department of Health and Human Services set up guidelines that would set up the development and implementation of the IAAA training and a training curriculum.

The DHHS in October 2001 announced the release of $8.6 million to four adoption agencies. You would think that it would be split up equally between the four but that was not the case. The National Council for Adoption got the biggest chunk of the money-$6.1million- to provide the training and the curriculum that was consistent with these guidelines.

Many of the family planning facilities interviewed by The Guttmacher Institute had mixed feelings about their training. The trainers really hammered on the non-judgemental language. Some appreciated the networking opportunity that it presented. However, a majority of the family planning providers reported a far more negative and scary training experience. “One trainer promoted tactics and techiques for attempting to persuade the client to chose adoption by (1) discouraging abortion as a viable option, (2) overly promoting adoption, (3) highlighting the difficulties the child will encounter if a woman should choose to raise it herself, and (4) encouraging counselor opinions in scenarios by having the counselor choose for the clients the best option.” Many of the others noticed child centered counseling which is not always in the best interest of the mother depending on her circumstances. One counselor noted that she was given tips and techniques on how to work against the woman’s resistance, by making them proud of their decision to put a child up for adoption. Another counselor was told to repeatedly bring up the adoption option even if the mother is not interested. It seems to me that this kind of action borderlines on coercion and force. It also violates the guidelines and principle of medical ethics. Counselors were also directed to identify the clients as “deluded, not living in the real world, not being practical, participating in self betrayal, being ignorant, and generally being unable to make good choices unless its the choice the counselor would make for the client.” This sounds like the old days, doesn’t it?

In April 2004, the DHHS announced another $9million to support up to ten grants to further develop or implement the existing IAAA legislation. It has been presumed that this money will again go to the National Council for Adoption. Keep in mind that this organization is predominately Christian organization. They tend to inflict their religious views on pregnant women that they encounter.

Remember what I said in my last blog. The Gladney Adoption Center, the National Council for Adoption, MBNA, and President Bush and his family are all connected into this mess. We have all got to stand up and fight this kind of corruption. I thought President Bush was bad now I think he is a corrupt individual that cares for no one but his own interests. Its time to vote these kind of people out of office. Its time that WE as the collective triad need to stand up fight against this kind of coercion and corruption. We all want adoption to be the best situation for all involved. Write your congressional members and your senate members. Put an end to this type of legislating.