LIES, SECRETS, AND ADOPTION

It never ceases to amaze me the lies and secrets that are perpetrated by the adoption sysem and its participants. Personally I don’ think that I have been lied to but you never know. What always stuns me is the abuse that adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents have to face. Every person entering a search must remember that there are lies and secrets through out all this process.

I ran into a young woman who just found that she was adopted. She began her search. Shortly afterwards, she found her birth mother. She also found out that she had a sibling. Her adoptive parents are trying to slow her down. She is panicking a little which is very understandable. The agency will not help her in any way. They won’t even put anything into her file or her siblings file about wanting contact. She is blocked in almost everyway. She asked whether or not she should write a second letter. I didn’t get the chance to tell her. Yes you should write another one. Tell her about your life. Maybe write a letter over a week’s time. Tell her about your life and what you do in it daily. I can almost guarantee that she has a strong curiosity about you. Enclose pictures of you, what you do, who you do it with, where you do it, when you do it and why you do it. Don’t give out too much personal information. Tell her how you feel about the entire situation.

When adoptees begin their search, they are often faced with opposition. My own mother was very insecure about it. Yet she tried to give me as much information as she could remember. My first a dad did the same thing. Of course, he is a known liar. Even though some things he has said make some sense. I have dark brown/black eyes. You would think it would be a dominant trait in my children. Not so. My daughters have hazel eyes. So I usually throw out the information that both of my parents have given me. I have learned that it is the best way of searching. Keeping my eyes wide open. I acknowledge that the information might not be always true. In that sense, I protect myself from getting hurt badly.

I have heard many a horror story about adoptees beginning their search. The adoptive parents say some pretty vicious things. One gal, in particular, has fought off and on with her a mom. She has got such a positive outlook that I know that she got from God. The young woman earlier has faced some negativity as well. Everyone in our group is telling her to keep a note of things said and done and that she should remember that there are a lot of lies and secrets out there.

This process of search for all us involved is about healing and growing. Most of us have heard that you need to remove the scab and let the wound drain. Clean it out and put medicine on it. Let it air out. The same applies here. The lies and the secrets is the wound. We need to clean it out and drain the emotions. The medicine is finding the truth and discussing it with trusted friend and family. In this process is where we the adoption triad heal.

Remember folks its time to vote for change. OPEN THE RECORDS AND CHANGE LAWS. ITS TIME FOR US TO HEAL OUR WOUNDS AND LIVE OUR LIVES. CONTACT YOUR LEGISLATORS. TELL THEM YOU WANT OPEN ADOPTION RECORDS

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