Archive for December, 2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR

December 31, 2005

Well this year has just flown by. We are getting ready to start a new year. I hope that everyone has a good new year’s day. I pray that we all get what we are searching for. I pray that our reunions are filled with the answers that we need, with happiness and joy, and total satisfaction. Happy New Year to one and all. May all our lives be filed with love, joy, and compassion. Remember that the only way to fight back against the prejudice is write Congress, the Senate, and even the President. Take care and God bless all of you

Waivers of Confidentiality

December 30, 2005

Well I took another big step in my search. I mailed all of the waivers of confidentiality to all the agencies involved in my adoption. I received form letters from the AdoptionLatte group when I first joined the group. I believe I have a link to that group. It is a good group that helps everyone find the reunion that they seek. They give additional ways of searching out the information.

The funny thing about all of this is that the Coleman agency is probably the one group that will actually help me find my birth family. The government agencies involved don’t seem to have the time to help or the desire to help. They don’t realize the hurt and pain that all of us have gone through in our lives. They already have what they want in their lives. They already know who they are.

That is why we must make our legislators realize that we are constituents as well. That we will write and write until the laws in this country are fair to everyone involved in this process.

The Adoption Cronies

December 28, 2005

Today I called the Vital Statistics office and the Coleman Adoption agency. I am continually amazed at people involved in this situation. The adoption agency was very pleasant. They gave me the information that I wanted. They even allowed me to leave a message with the search specialist.

Now the Indiana Department of Health, Vital Statistics Department, left a lot to be desired. At the end of October, I mailed in my request for non identify information. When I called the office, I asked about my request. They said that they received it on November 16,2005. She also said that it would take 3 weeks to process the form. It would also take an additional week due to the holidays. I calculated the time frame. Well I should have already received it. The lady continued to argue with me. It was like pulling a dang tooth. In one of the adoption groups that I am a member, a gal wrote about how she was treated by a department in another state. She was told that her medical history was not important and that the person didn’t care if she ever got it. Is there really ever a reason to be rude in a government office? I know that I would be writing congress and state officials about that person. We may be only 2-3% of the population but that number adds up after a while. I know that when I finally talk to Mary Hinds she will be hearing about the rudeness of her staff members. We pay their salaries as well as those of our elected officials

Write congressional members. Write your senators. Write everyone that you can to get their attention and make them stand up and pay attention. Only with the power of the pen can we stand up and free ourselves from the oppression placed upon us.

ADOPTIVE FATHERS

December 28, 2005

Okay today is the day I rail against my first adoptive father. I will try not to curse like some chat rooms that I have been in. It is not my first adoptive father’s fault that the adoption system is the way that it is. I am not going to even dog out the adoptive system today. I am though going to try and work out my feelings about the way he treated myself and members of my family.

The reason why my parents got divorced isn’t absolutely clear. Honestly that situation isn’t even my or my family’s problem to deal with today or any other day since that point in time. All I do know is that he isn’t a very clear, truthful and/or honest human being when it comes to his children. Any man who leaves the state in order to avoid paying child support for his children is despicable. Even at the toughest times of my own marriage, my husband was willing to take care of his children no matter what. It was about 15 years ago that I realized what kind of damage that he did to me. He adopted another child with the same name as his daughter within two weeks of ending his marriage to my own mother. Believe me, this is all on record at the hometown courthouse. What does that tell a child? Maybe that she is dispensible, expendible, and utterly replaceable. Its bad enough that I, as an adoptee, have to deal with the initial primal wound. I have to deal with it all over again with my own adoptive father. In order to survive and protect myself from further real or imagined wounds, I buried all of this. Its no wonder that my spirit rages on day after day. Although my dad, my step father, had his character defects, he loved us girls(to include my mother) passionately. He stepped up to the plate to do a job that wasn’t his to do. I will forever honor him in that and in my life. Because my first adoptive father is angry with me over something that I would not do, he is making his own grandchildren pay for their mother’s crime. He did not send a card to his oldest grandchild. This is his history all over again. He made all of us pay for my mother’s decision which she did to save her own sanity. AND PAY I DID. His actions have chipped away at me for most of my lifetime.

So what do I do now? Within the last year my grandmother suffered a serious health problem. My sister went to represent all of us. When they went to go eat, my sister and her family was shunned like they were a disease. When my sister confronted my father and his siblings about this, she got to see a very rabid side to my aunt and uncle. My father sat there twisting his head back and forth between two of them. Not once defending her or her family. My brother-in-law even told my father to step up. That this will be his only chance to do this. He just sat there almost dumbfounded. My sister defended my mother against all the lies that this man has told over the years. It was not my mother that got remarried after two weeks. It was not my mother who adopted another child to get even with his ex-wife. Those were his actions. That day left my poor mother in tears. When my grandmother was told about this incident, she took up for her son. Well I hope her punishment is to haunt her children about the treatment of all of their children.

Again I am back to the question that I originally asked. He is great at intelligence not the common sense kind though. I could write him a letter but would he really see his behavior as being a detriment? I doubt it. He would find some way to find me totally nuts. I will probably send him the letter anyway. Just to get some of the rage off my chest. I will end all communication with him and his family after that. Any comment would be welcome.

Every adoption situation needs to be judged for its own merits. Some regulation must be involved in this area but each circumstance again must be determined by its own merits or demerits.

Until we meet again, write your congressmen and women. Write your senators in your home state. Help change laws with the power of the pen.

THE PRIMAL WOUND

December 25, 2005

I was up late last night finishing the last minute presents for my family. Today of course I am utterly exhausted. I read an article the other night about adoption and the primal wound it leaves behind in the adoption triad. As I was working on Christmas gifts, I began my thinking about that article.

I realized that I had researched all my options on family structure. That I had done all my work possible on those issues. I also discovered last night that they don’t affect me as much anymore. I had written journals of stuff on alcoholism and its effects on children and parents. I thought about where my rage comes from. I mentioned in a previous blog that I had an issue with my first adoptive father. He remarried two weeks after his divorce from my mother. Even went as far as adopting a child named Amy. I realized that action has left some long term scars. Even my sisters have scars from this same type of wound. I know that we all have struck out at my mother for this. I realize that it was no fault of hers or my second adoptive father. They both did the best that they could. They were helpless to help us with those issues.

If I am ever going to face this rage and get it gone, I have to face my first adoptive father and tell him what I feel. I also have come to terms that the only way I am going to ever face my birth family. This issue must be faced head on and with conclusion and finality. My adoptive father is a selfish jerk. I hope that I never see him again. I know that this must be done though. I plan on writing about it for a while. Then I will compose my thoughts to him and put it down on paper.

Until the next blog, keep pushing that pen to your elected officials. Change the laws so that they don’t hurt us anymore.

THE PAINFUL EFFECTS OF ADOPTION ON THE TRIAD

December 24, 2005

As I do every night, I go to adoptiontriad.org chatroom. I enjoy chatting with the folks in there. They have always made me at ease. Yes we talk about adoption and our stories but we also discuss many other things as well. We recently had someone come in and beg us to read her blog. We did and we were shocked. She mentions committing suicide. Of course we all jump on the bandwagon trying to “save” this girl. Come to find out she just wanted attention from us. Pretty sad if you think about it. This in turn brings me back to the emotions in this subject. They are so wide ranging and difficult to explain and sort through. I am always researching the emotions behind this topic. When it comes time for my own reunion, I will be better prepared for any outcome. I don’t want to be hurt by the outcome of any situation. Friends tell me its called preparing for the worst and praying for the best.

I read something last night that was like reading my own story. The article I think was an excerpt from Primal Wound. You see I wasn’t the child that acted out. I was one of the quiet ones. I guess I am lucky in the fact that I have explored my deeper sides through counseling and support groups. I have always been independent since I was a child. I have always entertained myself. I have never really needed someone to make me completely happy. I have known that my happiness depends on me. My value as a woman and a human being depends upon me. This knowledge was always there but it took me a while to realize that this was the true me. The one true thing that I have always felt was a deep raging anger that sometimes threatens to get out of control. I honestly thought it was due to life’s little injustices or all the situations that I put myself in. After reading that article, I realize that it is my inner self or child screaming out to be recognized. I also realized that this is all part of discovering my true self. I think it explains why a great of deal of the feelings going on in the adoption triad. It is the profound sense of loss that everyone feels. This article addressed these side effects of adoption. So how do I get to that inner self to resolve the rage that I feel? That will be my next journey.

Until then rage on folks. Write your congressmen and women. Write your senators. Change those laws that have wounded all of us so badly. Make laws fair and applicable to all. Til the next blog. Have a merry Christmas, a Wonderful Holiday Season, and a joyous New Year. May God in his many wonderous forms bless one and all of us.

ADOPTION AND CHILDREN

December 23, 2005

As I continue in my search, I find a great deal of denial, lies, and discrimination going on in this world. I am continually shocked at what I see and read. One very controversial topic is gay adoption. I am a firm believer in equal rights. I do not believe that God put me on this earth to sit in judgement of people and their lifestyles. It is just not my job. As I have said before, I have way too much on my plate. God has given me a full life for which I am very thankful.

I went to the GLAAD website to begin my research. I was horrified at what I read. There is a city mayor who is being sued for giving gay employees and their partners benefits. I have heard on the news that many states including my own that are trying to ban gay couples the right to adopt and foster children. There are so many children in this world that need good homes. Does it really matter that a couple is a gay couple? As long as they provide love and support for those children, in my mind what is the point of denying children that need? Is the argument more important than a child’s right to a good home? Should children be forced to flounder in a orphanage because of the so called sin? Doesn’t Christ say judge not less you be judged?

The religious right is attacking every one that does not believe as they do. Now don’t get me wrong. I have a deep faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. I believe that He exists and that HE will save us in the end. I just believe that He is more compassionate, caring, and loving that those other idiots believe.

I have an assistant manager where I work who has a partner who has to deal with this issue. I know my manager and she is a good person. She seems kind and compassionate. I also work with her daughter. For an eighteen year old, she is very mature and hardworking. She turned out great. Her mother has every right to feel proud of her. I knew a friend in the military who was also kind and compassionate. They are both gay. My manager is a great mother. I have laughed at her disciplining her kids via the telephone. She is no different that you and I. My military friend helped me through a very rough time in my life. It was a refreshing experience for me. It was nice not to have a friend who as soon as I broke up with my boyfriend went after him for herself. I just can’t turn my back on those friends. I don’t believe that they are going to Hell. How can God create someone who is so kind, loving, and compassionate just to send them to hell? I read a story where a husband took his children away from his gay ex-wife.

Its funny my husband made a comment that he is tired of the gay communities business being all out there. It should be a private matter. I told him that it was the religious right blasting the gay community with lawsuits and so forth. Why is it that our bedroom lives are being invaded daily? We in the adoption triad have had enough of it that is for sure. We were born out of the secrets in the bedroom. The religious right would like to see us continually treated like that dirty little secret. Gays in this world are not sick little perverts. They just have different preferences that other people do. They don’t warp children. Why don’t we go viciously after those that do? Recently there was a case where a man adopted a child from another country so that he could sexually molest her. I know that everyone in the triad saw that. Why is it that monster can adopt a child but a gay person can’t? Where is the logic in that? Thank God my state threw the law out that would ban gays from fostering or adopting a child!!!

When are we as a society going to grow up? When are we going to stand up fight for children and women? When are we going to realize what is important? Its time to stand up and fight the injustices in this country. Write your congressmen and women. Write your senators. Vote to change laws in this country. Make us all free from oppression.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TRIAD MEMBERS

December 21, 2005

Sorry everyone I have been busy working and getting ready to start a new job here in the lone star state. I will continue writing on my blog soon. I just want to wish everyone the very best Christmas and holiday season. It doesn’t matter to me what you celebrate as long as you celebrate living your life. Hopefully this will be the year of freedom for all of us. Freedom from secrets. Freedom from lies. Freedom to live and explore our lives to their very fullest. Adoption should not be our sole identifying feature in our lives. It is a part of us but it does not define us. Thank the Lord for his many blessings. Be kind and compassionate to your fellow man not just now but for all time. Take time to listen to everyone’s story because everyone has one that needs to be heard. Pass out a smile or two. Everyone needs one.

EMOTIONS OF THE ADOPTION TRIAD

December 14, 2005

When I decide to write my posts, I usually draw on my daily experiences. I find a topic that I know affects all of us in the adoption triad. I read a poem in a Letter Carrier’s union magazine once that I find fits everyone. It was about fighting for your beliefs. I remember it saying one group was being attacked, that person did not fight back because it did not concern them. Eventually all groups were attacked and eliminated and only that person was left behind. When he needed someone to stand and fight with him, there was no one left to help him fight. That is why I write. Someone somewhere has to stand up and fight for the rights of everyone.

I was chatting with a customer and another coworker yesterday. We were discussing adoption. The customer had adopted a child from Korea. She is now grown and in college but I found out that she had some problems growing up. As I listened to her story, I tried explaining the adoption connection with those problems. All I heard was that they couldn’t understand why that child acted the way she did when she was so beautiful.

When I realized that I wanted to start searching, I began with friends. I was lucky that the friends that I chose along the way in some form or fashion were related to adoption. I guess I never realized that until now. I have spoken with parents who gave children up, with my own parents, with adopted children who had reunited positively and not so positively. We all have something in common. That was our feelings. I am talking about core feelings.

I know what I feel. I can explain them. So I will start at that point. I have always felt like I was walking through my life with blinders on. I used to have nightmares about it. I just couldn’t get my eyes wide open enough to see the situation for what was going on. I also always felt that I did not deserve to be alive. I was always walking around feeling guilty for being alive. I did not say these feeling were necessarily rational but they just exist. I have to accept them for what they are and where they originate. I was always scared that I would be left alone and abandoned. I still face that issue.

Now that I have started my search, I have also begun looking into the emotional issues behind adoption. What I discovered shocked me. Everyone in the triad feels these issues as well. At last I was not alone. It is perfectly normal for adoptees to feel this way. I have read several articles and studies done through informational clearinghouses. One study in particular comes to mind. They mentioned only domestic adoptees feel this way and foreign adoptees don’t have these issues. Gee whiz did anyone talk to this young girl about her feelings? I guess not. I have to wonder if at a core level these people feel that they would be sent back home to their own country if they told the truth about their feelings. Some of these studies need to be taken at face value.

I was lucky that I sought help for living with an alcoholic father. I went to Alanon and Alcoholic Anoymous meetings. I even did a little therapy along my travels. I was eventually held accountable for my feelings. This process opened a lot of my wounds and forced them to heal. I know that many other people have varying degrees in their feelings concerning their adoption experiences. What I felt was the norm amongst us adoptees. I have listened to my birth mother friends along the way. They face the same kind of loss and all of its issues. My own adoptive parents have suffered loss along the way as well.

I guess that is why I hate secrets so much. They cause so much damage. If you don’t stand up fight along side with your brother and sister because it doesn’t concern you, what will happen when they come for you? I know that I am being attacked on several fronts. I am a mother, a worker, an adoptee, and as a woman. If I don’t stand up and fight, then my rights will be further eliminated. WRITE YOUR LEGISLATORS. TELL THEM TO OPEN ADOPTION RECORDS FOR ALL. DON’T LET THE SECRETS DESTROY YOU. DESTROY THE SECRETS AND YOU SHALL BE SET FREE.

PAID SEARCHERS AND ADOPTION

December 13, 2005

As I search for my birth family, I have run across a ton of ads out there saying that they will find your birth family for you at a certain fee. As with any situation, you have to double check the searcher’s creditionals. Check with the Better Business Bureau. Check with the various adoptee forums on the validity of their claims such as Adoption Triad, Adoption Latte, and Eyes Wide Open. I am linked to all of those sites. Gary Schaefer’s Registry is another to check concerning this issue. I spoke with someone in a chatroom last night that got ripped off by a fake search company. It turned out for the best for that person. They eventually got the results that they wanted but they lost that money for no results.

Most of us can’t afford $200 to $300 in a search let alone $1200 to $1500. Most of the legwork you can do yourself. There is several steps that you can take to begin your search. Start with your birth certificate. Speak with family members about the circumstances behind your adoption. Get on as many free registries as you can. Check with your vital statistics department in your state. Some states also have passive registries. There are quite a few states that are open states. That means you can get a copy of your original birth certificate for a small fee. Get registered with the ISRR. I also have a link with that organization. Print the form, fill it out, and send it to them. If there is a match, you will be contacted. Make sure that you file a waiver of consent with the state’s vital statistics department. Write or call all agencies involved in your adoption. AdoptionLatte usually sends a list of things that you can request for non-identifying information. If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get all the information that you are entitled to. There is also a petition form that you can fill out for your state so that you can petition the courts. I will add that link eventually as well. With all the registries, keep your information updated so that you can be contacted.

There are too many people attacking this issue. Don’t let the thieves out there attack even further. We all have had enough heartache to last a lifetime. Remember to vote. Remember to contact your legislators so we all can have the right to our heritage and medical history. We have to keep the heat on these people so that we all can be free.